Why I'm a Dominatrix
The short answer is: megalomania.
As a very dominant personality in vanilla life it wouldn’t be a stretch to imagine that in play I would seek the freedom and release from responsibility. And you would be right. Unlike Petrick’s desire to be released from the gravity of decision making, the release I achieve is from the responsibilities of common decency. Ideas such as being considerate of others, playing well with others, and being flexible with demands. That’s right. For as much of a direct and demanding asshole I am perceived to be this IS me being nice.
Back to megalomania. I don’t (quite) have the pathological qualities of believing I am more important or more powerful than I really am (mostly). I am very aware how little of both I possess which makes me strive for more of it. It’s this process of striving that drives me to do all of the things, to be extra, and to work hard. Unbridled ambition will gain one importance and power but it will also cause you to be alienated and reviled. Thankfully I was raised to make the most out of my base personality rather than have it stifled.
I’m not sure to how one day explain to my parents that they accidentally molded me into a Dominatrix. Somehow my parents were able to temper and mold my potentially destructive tendencies into something positive and constructive. I was told that I was more bold and more brave than other children. But I was also told that if I wasn’t careful I could seriously hurt others and that I should use my abilities to help instead. My family was composed of social justice warriors before that was even a thing. I came out of the womb a warrior. I was raised to value social justice. I didn’t have to completely stop being an asshole but I should be an asshole who helps others.
Like most players I knew what my basic desire was as a child. It was to be in charge. However the heteronormative societal views outside of my home were that females should be quiet, passive, and pleasant. Doubly so as a Filipino-American woman of color. Fuck that shit. While I never became quiet, passive, or pleasant I learned that to get along with others, much less advance in life, I needed to display common decency. Ugh.
I was less “popular with boys” than my peers and eventually just accepted it. What was lacking in numbers was made up for in devotion. Looking back now it makes complete sense. Even in the grown up world of BDSM of the four general heteronormative combinations of male/female and submissive/dominant, dominant females are very much the minority. And when a submissive male stumbles upon a dominant female who wants to boss them around they will try to give her the fucking world. Carry my books? Sure, if it means they could be helpful. Endure my ridicule? Why yes, it makes her laugh. What about pain? They didn’t care if it made me happy.
Fun fact: I hit my first boyfriend in the face with a metal chair three years before we started dating. In the face. With a metal chair.
As I grew up and became better at parodying a decent human being, my energy became focused on learning effective leadership. While in my dark fantasies total subjugation of a person kajira/kajiri-style would be ideal, it’s ultimately not how I want to conduct my life, BDSM or otherwise. (Put your hand down Petrick. Stop trying to make kajiri happen.)
EDITOR’S NOTE: Petrick’s hand slowly creeps back up while his amazing Owner DC isn’t looking because kajiri is totally going to happen.
Instead I want to command. Being in charge was too small scale. That’s about precise implementation and taking care of the details. Micromanaging is time consuming and energy sucking. No one is going to take over the fucking world while micromanaging. You know what else is time consuming and energy sucking for me? Being nice. You know how to achieve large scale, multi-stage goals such as taking over the world? Being in command.
An unlikely, but in retrospect very obvious, place that I have found definitions for my style of leadership and therefore domination is in the military style of leadership known as Mission Command. (The corporate equivalent would be workplace empowerment.) One idea lifted straight from the US Army Doctrine Publication 6-0, Mission Command:
The six principles of mission command are
Build cohesive teams through mutual trust.
Create shared understanding.
Provide a clear commander’s intent.
Exercise disciplined initiative.
Use mission orders.
Accept prudent risk.
I’m vulnerable because I am showing a person my dearest desires. The desire to command, the desire for my whim to reign supreme, and the desire to break someone in order to Own them.
I’ll write more in the future about my style of domination and leadership in another article. Here I just want to explain WHY I want to be the Dominant in the relationship. In these six principles you’ll find the basis of good Humanistic BDSM. There’s trust, understanding, intent, discipline, orders, and risk. So yes, corporate business (and military) skills translate very well to kink life. It’s doesn’t have to be 24/7 kink but it’s super effective in 24/7 kink.
By cultivating my leadership in vanilla life I could sparingly indulge in my specific desires. I can insist on the Oxford comma in communication. Calling versus e-mailing to check on the status of my parts isn’t bullying, it’s effective followup. Directly threatening a registrar’s job by lobbying university administration and quoting specific laws broken against students in my capacity as a student org President is “having a heart for others” and not being a fucking bitch. But the moment I refuse to eat a sandwich not cut into triangles, throw a bitch fit if my cigar was cut versus punched, or get off on making people question their life choices through kink then suddenly I’m difficult. However, as a Dominatrix that’s just par for the course. And it’s fucking awesome.
Though I would tell others it’s ok, I still bristle that I feel the most self-actuated as a Dominatrix being Petrick’s Owner. While I am the more experienced player, Petrick outpaces me in accepting our true nature. I would have never admitted the level of ownership and direction I desired to have over him had Petrick not shared first how much he desired that from me. Even if I hated the concept of “being nice” I internalized it as being superior to “desire of command”.
One of the reasons why I’m a Dominatrix is to indulge my idiosyncrasies. For example I have the desire for verbal precision. Petrick is very much the same. It’s literally how we got here. Days after an event of mine he had attended, I asked why his friend had bailed and he didn’t. He replied, "I don’t know but you can’t expect a sub to leave his Domme.” I paused and gave him a chance to fix his typo. None came.
In my mind I’m like…wait, what!? WHO THE FUCK IS YOUR DOMME? YOU SAID THAT WAS A HARD LIMIT? IF YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE A DOMME WHY ISN’T IT ME?
Then it dawned on me that he WAS talking about me. (Eventually we’ll just do a multi episode podcast of How I Met My Sub to explain how we got here.)
With Petrick I don’t have to play any nicer than I want to. I can flick his dick for my enjoyment. I can order him to take over my social media. I can break his sexual boundaries. I can recreate childhood trauma. Unlike some other submissives, his submission is a clear choice. He is no one’s doormat. I find no pleasure in dominating someone who’s life is a giant shit show. There’s no accomplishment in that. That doesn’t make me feel Dominant. It makes me feel like a social worker. And that’s not my kink.
As a Domme, I decide when play starts, what type of play will happen, and how ethical I want to be. I’m not someone who turns in fright from my dark side. I embrace it and acknowledge the boundary between my dark side and unethical evil. I look at the worst parts of myself so I know when I’m getting too close. Inviting someone to play with me at the edge of evil makes me feel powerful and vulnerable. Power is self-explanatory but I’m vulnerable because I am showing a person my dearest desires. The desire to command, the desire for my whim to reign supreme, and the desire to break someone in order to Own them.
Ultimately, I’m a Dominatrix so I can love someone in the exactly the ways I want to.
Why do you want to be a Dom? Did anything in my article ring true for you? Tell us in the comments or join the discussion in our Facebook group Humanistic BDSM: Inclusive AF Kink.
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