What is it like to be a Submissive?
I routinely see variations of this question online. What is it like to submit? What is it like to be a BDSM slave? What is it like to be owned by a Mistress/Master? et cetera, et cetera…
Given the prevalence of this question, I figured I should share my own experiences.
The short answer is: it’s pretty fucking awesome. Of course I have the advantage of having the best Domme ever, so your mileage may vary.
I started out already knowing that I was a submissive so that was at least a slight advantage over those who needed time to figure out their role or were actually bottoms/masochists that needed to pretend to be submissive in order to find a partner.
The downside is that I was still immersed in societal views that women were more submissive and men were more dominant. That led to some confusion. I wanted to submit but if men are usually the dominant ones, did that mean was I gay? Bi? Something? Fortunately the internet made it relatively easy to figure that out. Gay porn or even just naked male pictures are not my thing (no judgment for those who do enjoy it, obviously). Once I figured that out (and discovered that dominant women really are a thing and don’t just exist in porn or my own fantasies) I at least knew in general terms what I was looking for.
I played casually with a few different Dommes, some online, some in person. Ownership (being in a 24/7 dynamic) was a hard limit for me. I finally found Domina Chase and somehow managed to convince her that I was worth playing with, even if it was only casual play. I still don’t fully understand how I pulled that off but I’m not exactly complaining.
I think it’s hard for vanilla people to understand how my submission has set me free. By giving up power and submitting to someone else, I became stronger. After a session I feel refreshed and rejuvenated. I feel more resilient. I certainly don’t feel like “less of a man” or any less assertive.
I have a lot of responsibility in vanilla life. The decisions I make can get people killed, and not in some vague “my decisions have repercussions that through the butterfly effect will kill a goat in Cambodia that an orphaned child was depending on to survive” kind of way, more like people (including me) could die in very ugly and immediate ways if I mess up.
Submitting was a way to escape from that. For a few hours at a time, I was free. I didn’t have to make any decisions, I didn’t have any responsibility; all I had to do was whatever I was told to do. There’s probably more to it than that, considering that my submissive desires started as a pre-teen kid. Or maybe there isn’t, considering I had a lot more responsibility at that age than any of my peers. Of course, that’s my personal experience. While I’ve heard some subs echo similar sentiments, everyone has their own backstory.
I haven’t been able to partake in a great deal of bondage but what I have experienced was especially fun because it took even more choices away from me. When you’re tied up, there’s nothing to worry about except sitting there and accepting whatever comes your way.
I’m also a pretty hardcore masochist. Pain will push me deep into subspace where I can really let go of everything. Subspace is an altered state of consciousness caused by the release of adrenaline and endorphins during play. It’s a high unlike anything else I’ve experienced. The best way to describe it is that my mind is floating carefree among the clouds. With DC, I’ve even been able to hit subspace hard even through online play.
I think it’s hard for vanilla people to understand how my submission set me free.
As a sub, I still had more control than most people realize. I chose who I would play with, when I would play, and what types of play I would partake in. I had my limits and my safewords. I give up a degree of power (in my case a lot of power because I just throw myself into the role and get super submissive) but it’s by my choice every single time.
I’ll have to tell the full story of my adventures with DC another day but to cut things short, I stopped being a sub and became her sub. We were no longer casual players; we were now engaged in a 24/7 long-distance relationship (so much for those hard limits). I got to enjoy all the benefits of being sub on a regular basis.
Even though I’m a total pain slut. if you ask me about my relationship, pain is not the first thing that comes to mind. It’s my submission and my Domme’s complete ownership of me. That’s far more critical to our dynamic than S&M.
Some people feel that subs must be a doormats. I assure you this is not the case, even in spite of my above comments about submission and ownership. I’m still very much me and I have at times been described as (and I quote) “a stubborn asshole”. Even within our dynamic I can be assertive and I retain my own agency. We know when to set aside the D/s dynamic so that we can have a full-on argument on even ground. It doesn’t lessen our dynamic, it preserves it so that it’s waiting fully intact for us when the fight is over.
As my relationship with DC progressed, I got to experience being a slave. It wasn’t planned at all; it really just sort of happened. For those who are not aware, there is a difference between being a sub and a slave.
Disclaimer: I am using submissive and slave as defined in the HuBDSM Glossary and in a manner that is generally consistent with the BDSM community at large. If your dynamic is different, that’s fine. If you apply those words differently, that’s fine. You do you. Or rather, let your D-type do you.
Being a slave is generally considered to be a deeper form of submission but there’s no exact line that divides a sub from a slave. This doesn’t make being a slave any better or worse than being a sub; it’s just different. Being a slave is not based on a particular rule or action. It’s not being simply a matter of being forced to do all sorts of weird things (though I’m totally ok with that). It’s not being held in total bondage (but that does sound pretty fun). The real thing that makes a slave is the mindset.
The best description I’ve found of the difference between the two is this:
A sub chooses to submit with every act or order. A slave chooses to submit only once and every act of submission thereafter is not a choice but merely what comes naturally.
I’ve given Domina Chase carte blanche to basically do whatever the hell she wants with me. We’ve set some limits but they are pretty much at the extreme end of things, like no mutilation, nothing that would adversely affect our vanilla lives, etc. When I say “we”, I really mean “she” because she is the one who insisted on setting “reasonable” boundaries like not taking strips of skin from me (it’s an inside joke between us but also the literal truth).
Those limits are so common and on things so extreme that for all intents and purposes, I have no limits with her. Other than that, we don’t really negotiate play anymore; she just decides what she wants to do and I eagerly wait to see what she comes up with. It’s a total power exchange.
It’s not all whips and chains (though I don’t mind those at all!). Our dynamic extends into our regular daily lives. It covers fairly mundane things. We have rituals for how to say that we love each other. We have a ritual for greeting each other in the morning. It’s these little things that help flesh out our dynamic. Being a slave permeates every moment of my life. It’s pushed me to discover new things about myself. It’s helped me interact better with those around me.
This idea of committing oneself as a slave might sound scary. I assure you that it’s not (at least for me). I made this choice because I have absolute faith and trust in my Owner. What was scary was accepting that I felt this way. Part of my mind was screaming that this was not ok, yet I felt it was the only way to truly be me. Somehow, dealing with that internal turmoil and accepting that urge was much more difficult than actually being her slave.
Naturally, I still have my safe words. She is free to do just about whatever she wants but the basic rules of consent don’t change. I can stop play or end the entire dynamic at any time. After all, this is BDSM, not actual chattel slavery. I just choose not to exercise that power because I’m hers and I’ve chosen to be hers. I’m more myself than I ever have been before.
I feel safe in her hands. I feel comforted. I feel wanted. I feel loved. I am fulfilled. I am Pet.
Why do you submit? What was your experience like? Tell us in the comments or join our Facebook group Humanistic BDSM: Inclusive AF Kink.
Did you enjoy this article? Do you want to help support our website so that we can continue to create free educational content? Do you want access to a private BDSM Discord server, videos from Domina Chase and Petrick, and other exclusive content? Then please consider supporting us on Patreon. Tiers start at just $1.00!
Photo Credit: © Raimond Spekking / CC BY-SA 3.0 (via Wikimedia Commons)
