BDSM Roles, Identities, and Conflation
Let's talk a little bit about how people identify themselves in terms of D/s roles (assuming they identify with a particular role, as there is of course more to BDSM than just D/s). I saw a post that said if you ever play the other D/s role, even once, you're a switch. That means your role is defined by what you do and not how you identify.
Bringing that definition to its logical conclusion would suggest that a D-type cannot be called Dom / Domme / Master / Goddess / <insert honorific of choice> unless they are in an active dynamic with an s-type partner. Some people do in fact experience those doubts when they don't have a partner. To a certain extent it is understandable. How does a newcomer know that they're actually a submissive until they submit? But these thoughts can even give experienced kinksters a case of imposter syndrome.
Mix in the common conflation of D-type = top = sadist = male (because unfortunately even in some BDSM communities, gender-based assumptions still exist) and s-type = bottom = masochist = female, and the problem gets worse. There are people who feel that if you get spanked or choked, that you're a switch because they don't see those acts as Dominant. Someone who just wants to top or bottom might instead have to pretend that they are a D-type or s-type in order to find a partner.
Roles are not based solely on actions. Rather, your actions are based on your state of mind.
That type of conflation and stereotyping just hurts everyone. It pigeonholes people into roles they may not be comfortable with. It’s the same mentality that causes people to think that submissives can’t be abusers or that male victims are weak. It’s bad for everyone regardless of gender, sexual/romantic orientation, or BDSM role. It’s not much of a leap from this style of thinking to the giant red flag that is “if you were a true sub…” which is often used to push people into activities they are not comfortable with.
It’s also important to recognize that being a switch means you enjoy both sides of a given kink. It doesn’t make you “less” at either role. If you’re a D/s switch, you’re a Dom and you’re a sub. Some people within the BDSM community tend to engage in gatekeeping not unlike what bi/pan/polysexual people sometimes encounter in the LGBT+ community. People might seem to think you’re confused, you haven’t “picked a side”, or that you’re just “less” at both roles. If being a sub and a masochist doesn’t make me less of a sub or a masochist, why would being a sub and a Dom make me less of a sub and less of a Dom?
Roles are not based solely on actions. Rather, your actions are based on your state of mind. I've played as a Dom, sub, top, bottom, sadist, and masochist, but when it comes to my identity, I'm a submissive masochist (some might even say a bit of a Pain Slut). I've known this since I was a kid. It's who I am at my core. "Cosplaying" as a Dom for a scene doesn't change that.
Furthermore, take time to really think about your roles. You don’t have to be a masochist just because you’re a sub. You don’t have to be a Dom just because you’re a rope top. Sure, it’s absolutely fine to be a sub/bottom/masochist. It’s also fine to just be a rope bottom and nothing else. It’s fine to be a sub/impact top/bondage switch/humiliation bottom. Use as many or few labels as you require. Absolutely avoid falling into a role just because you feel you’re “supposed to”.
This works both ways. You might feel that because you’re a male that you should be the Dom but what if you know you’re a sub? Well you might find yourself wondering if that makes you gay, bi, a sissy, passive, a follower rather than a leader, etc. Certainly any of those could be true and there’s nothing wrong with it if that’s the case, but nothing about being a sub requires or even implies any of the aforementioned traits.
Finally, remember that D/s roles do not determine your roles in vanilla life or vice versa. You can be a manager, a boss, a CEO, or a military commander at work and still be a submissive at home. You can be perfectly happy with a low-responsibility job as a janitor or handing out fries at McDonald’s and still be a Dom in your BDSM dynamic. You can be a sensitive caring nurse and a hardcore sadist.
These may seem incongruent at face value but relationships with friends, at work, and within your BDSM dynamic are separate aspects of yourself. One does not have to determine the other. It might require the ability to transition from one headspace to another (which is hardly an insurmountable task, otherwise switches wouldn’t exist) but maybe you don’t even have to do that depending on the role and how you see yourself in that role. The important thing is just to realize that you can be whoever you need to be within different social circles. Humanistic BDSM is all about finding your peak self in all aspects of life.
What role(s) (if any) do you identify with? How did you come to that conclusion? Did you know it all along or was it something you discovered? Have you encountered harmful assumptions like the ones I mentioned above? Tell us about your experiences in the comments or drop by our Facebook group Humanistic BDSM!
Did you enjoy this article? Do you want to help support our website so that we can continue to create free educational content? Do you want access to a private BDSM Discord server, videos from Domina Chase and Petrick, and other exclusive content? Then please consider supporting us on Patreon. Tiers start at just $1.00!
Photo Credit: (C) torbakhopper courtesy of Flickr (CC BY-ND 2.0)
