How to be an Online Submissive
Long distance relationships are nothing new but the age of smartphones and high speed internet has added a new element to the traditional LDR dynamic. Now people can see each other and chat in real time from opposite sides of the planet. This article isn’t about the technology side of the house; we’ll get into that another time. This is about the characteristics of a good online submissive, though really you could replace “online” with “LDR” and everything else would remain valid.
First let’s talk about why you might be in an online-only or primarily online dynamic. The most obvious is that you and your partner are geographically separated for various reasons such as work, school, family commitments, etc. You may have met in person and then moved apart. Maybe you chatted online and just ended up being a good match despite the difficulties involved with the distance.
Some people specifically seek out online-only dynamics. My first real BDSM dynamic consisted solely of online play. It provided a safe way to feel out the lifestyle, understand what might be expected of a sub, and test the waters without incurring any serious consequences on my vanilla life. Best of all, it can be easier to remain anonymous through online interactions, which is a huge boon for privacy-focused individuals. Just be careful when it comes to pictures and video. Whatever you put on the internet is potentially there forever.
Whether you’re already in an online dynamic or you’re looking for one, you may be wondering how to navigate some of the unique challenges. How do you submit over the internet? How do you play when you can’t touch or be touched by your partner?
The actual specifics of online play are difficult because there are so many possible BDSM activities. I don’t even want to attempt to capture all the possibilities right now. What I will say is that there are generally three options:
Roleplay. You talk or text through a possible scene. You imagine it and put yourself in the headspace of that scene, but you don’t actually do anything.
Auto-erotic BDSM. The D-type gives the directions but the s-type has to perform the actions on themselves. There are numerous possibilities. You can hit yourself, cuff yourself, masturbate, etc. Just remember that you need to be able to stop whatever you’re doing on your own. If you’re engaging in self-bondage, you need to be able to move enough to remove the restraints from yourself. If you’re using any sort of locking device, tie the key to the device so it won’t fall somewhere that you can’t reach. Be careful with auto-erotic asphyxiation; you could end up killing yourself that way.
Directed BDSM or BDSM by proxy. Your D-type might have you perform activities with someone else but you’re doing so on your D-type’s orders. This could involve a designated “proxy Dom” or “proxy top” or you might be directed to go out and meet random people. Of course, keep safety in mind. Make sure you vet your partners appropriately and that someone knows where you are and who you’re with.
So what do you need to do to be a good online sub? Well all the things that make a sub good in person apply online too. However, just as things that can damage a vanilla relationship can be even more problematic in BDSM, certain issues that could be damaging under normal circumstances can be amplified online.
For example, it’s usually pretty easy for a 24/7 couple living together to maintain the intimacy of their relationship so long as they work for it. It might be slightly harder if they live apart or if one of them travels regularly. Yet sometimes that intimacy fails, often because the relationship is failing in other aspects as well.
In an online dynamic it can be much easier to feel like you’re losing touch with your partner. It’s easy to get busy with the physical life that is happening around you and neglect a partner that you see only through text or video chats. It’s not uncommon to hear people talk about “maintenance beatings” when referring to their need for regular play. This is especially critical in a LDR/online dynamic. Set a schedule for regular play. Even if it’s not set to a certain day, agree that once a week, twice a month, or whatever you guys agree on, you will have a scene together. Regardless of your preferred type of play, it’s important to maintain that headspace on a regular basis.
Safewords still apply. Even if you’re hitting yourself, you might start to reach your threshold for pain. Rather than simply decrease the force on your own accord, you should let your D-type know what’s going on. Even if your scene is pure roleplay, not all limits are physical. You could hit a psychological/emotional limit and need to use your safeword. Besides, it’s just good practice to keep basic safety / consent protocols in place all the time. If you build bad habits online, you may very well end up with bad habits when you’re playing in person.
People often equate the ideal sub with one who doesn't question orders but not only do I disagree with that sentiment, I think that an s-type in an online dynamic needs to be even more vocal than usual
Don’t neglect aftercare. You can hit subspace through an online scene. You can go through sub drop after an online scene (and that also goes for D-types experiencing Dom drop / top drop). Besides, aftercare can be an intimate act that helps bring you closer together. There’s only so much I can cover at once so I’ll talk about specific strategies for online play and aftercare in a future post.
Another example of an issue that is amplified over distance is trust. If one partner breaks the other's trust, it becomes very difficult to regain it because the hurt partner is not there to see what the other person is doing. If someone is bad at showing affection, it is likely to be amplified in online interaction where nonverbal cues go out the window. You can't cuddle with someone and make them feel your love, you have to find a way to express it without physical contact.
This makes honesty absolutely crucial. Try not to break trust in the first place. If you do something wrong, own up to it and work through it. Whenever there is any sort of issue going on, all partners need to take responsibility for their part in contributing to whatever happened. Pointing fingers does not help. On the other hand, you can’t hold back if your partner did something that prompted you to act a certain way.
DC and I practice what we call “aggressive honesty” and it has served us well. We tell each other what we are thinking even if (or perhaps especially if) we know it will hurt the other person. This might sound brutal. It is. I won’t lie, it is very hard to deal with at times because even though we’re not being intentionally mean to each other, we’re not pulling punches either. Yet I credit that practice for how we’ve made it this far while living on literal opposite sides of the planet.
People often equate the ideal sub with one who doesn't question orders but not only do I disagree with that sentiment (after all, we're subs, not robots or doormats), I think that an s-type in an online dynamic needs to be even more vocal than usual (and the D-type needs to be understanding of this). They might actually need to question orders more and give more feedback than they normally would because the D-type partner isn't there to see to matters firsthand. It makes it more likely that there is key information missing that could affect orders, punishments, etc, especially if the s-type partner isn't communicating very well or doesn't realize what key information needs to be passed to the D-type.
Maybe "question" is the wrong word for this. Maybe "negotiate more" might be more accurate but then again that "negotiation" might be in response to an order or punishment that doesn't fit the sub's situation, which kind of makes it sound like "questioning orders" again. Tomato, potato.
What are your experiences with online BDSM? Have you been in an LDR due to logistical reasons or did you specifically seek out an online dynamic? Tell us about your thoughts and experiences in the comments or drop by our Facebook group Humanistic BDSM.
Photo credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/73123148@N04/38218860636/in/photolist-21egDK3
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