Book Review: Dom's Guide to Submissive Training by Elizabeth Cramer
This will be the first of a planned series where I will review BDSM-themed books (and possibly other media as well).
Initial Thoughts
How very cis-heteronormative and patriarchal! For some people, this isn't necessarily a dealbreaker. Plenty of people are in male-led heterosexual D/s dynamics and that’s ok. It’s also pretty easy to take information about a role and just ignore the gender references. There are some legitimate nuggets of good information in there so long as you take it with a grain of salt.
But again, it is very much written under the assumption that this is a cis-hetero relationship where the man is the D-type and the woman is the s-type partner. There's nothing wrong with that configuration but in a book clearly aimed at new or inexperienced players, it shouldn't be assumed or implied that this is the only proper configuration for a D/s relationship. I find that assumption very off-putting and it’s hard to get over that even when stripping the book down to just the informative material.
While the book contains many useful suggestions, I get the sense that they are presented as "The Way" rather than "a way". It's a shame because there was some good information but again the tone of it just nagged at me the entire time I read it.
Preparation
Most of what is said here seems pretty spot on. There's a lot of good discussion about getting the sub's history, negotiating limits, consent as the foundation of BDSM, etc. I like that it emphasizes that this stuff applies regardless of the experience level of the sub. It's also good that it mentions getting into things like vanilla relationships and not limiting the discussion to BDSM.
What I would add to that is that all of these things are two-way streets. I think the Dom should also share their background. Doms can also have limits.
I'll also say that I've been guilty of the age bias she mentions towards older Doms (early on I just felt that older = more experienced and more dominant).
Having a training plan is good and I agree that training is important. Personally, I take the view that training should be an ongoing process so I would specify that this period would be considered initial training but I think I'm just arguing semantics here as I'm sure she's not saying that no training occurs after this point. I was actually about to make the analogy to military basic training but I see that she already did it.
Protocol
I find it odd that this starts off with material that is presented as "must do" given that the last chapter emphasized individuality and different styles of D/s.
I will say that not everyone wants a "Yes Master" "No Master" all the time. If that's your thing, go for it but I feel like this is presented as a necessity. I will also say that the idea of harsh punishments for any small breach of protocol might not mesh well with the other mention that there needs to be options for vanilla environments. If your sub trained to say "Master" or "Mistress" or whatever at the end of every single sentence and then you go out in public, chances are that "Master" (or whatever honorific you use) is going to slip out at some point.
That being said, I do think it accurately captures the importance of honorifics and the different tones they can set. I agree that praise and offering a good pet name for the sub is also important.
I don't really agree with the speech training methodology that is presented. I'm sure it works but I think there are other methods that also work and might be better from a relationship-building and intimacy perspective. Even though the author is correct that it is a short period of time, we're also talking about the very beginning of a relationship, during which I think speech and communication is extremely important.
On that note, I also don't agree that any mistakes need to be "harshly punished". Again, that might work for some people. On the other hand, sometimes a simple verbal correction is all that is needed. Guidance and positive reinforcement might be especially important for someone lacking confidence in their role and/or with self-esteem issues.
The clothing and body rules also struck me as a little off-putting. When you say "the only recommended option" it doesn't really come off as a recommendation anymore. It’s like saying “you have two choices but only one of them is right”. It also doesn't seem to account for limits or the fact that for some people BDSM isn't sexual. The idea of training someone that their body is yours to do what you please with just doesn't sit well with the idea of consent. Again, it's something that is totally fine for some people but shouldn't be presented as a one-size-fits-all.
The shaving thing also just sort of rubbed me the wrong way, probably for the same reason. Which is funny because I do prefer to be shaved but again it's something that I know doesn't work for everyone.
Then she gets into discussion of "high protocol" and honestly it seems as if the entire book is written from that perspective. I really dislike the idea of not making eye contact. To me, making eye contact is a sign of both intimacy and respect. If you were talking to someone and they never once looked you in the eye, would you feel respected? Again, not saying it's wrong but it's also not the only right way.
I will say that some of the items mentioned, like sitting at the Dom's feet, keeping the head lower than the Dom, were things that DC and I didn't do until later in our relationship. I do enjoy doing some of those things but I don't see it as an absolute necessity for an effective D/s relationship.
On attitude, total cringe. Way to completely invalidate entire relationship styles. Brats are totally ok so long as it's a negotiated part of the dynamic (as opposed to a sub just being bratty on their own, which would be disrespectful) and it's not just for immature "internet subs" (of which, being in an online dynamic is totally valid too, WTF?). No curse words or foul language? Sorry but I would have totally failed as a sub by this book's standards.
The last paragraph in that section is good, though. Offering comfort, showing appreciation, and displaying pride in being their Dom are all very important to a sub.
It's not a terrible intro to D/s. It's probably not the best one either.
Physical Submission
I disagree with the opening statements of this section. It seems odd to say that spanking is the primary way to control your sub when for some of us that is definitely a "funishment" rather than a punishment. I've already said my piece on the sub's body completely belonging to the Dom so I won't repeat myself.
The idea of taking the sub's "spanking temperature" isn't bad, though. I certainly think there are some good ideas here if you want spanking to be part of your dynamic, I just disagree with the idea that it automatically should be a feature. Anyway, there's good stuff in there about warming up, taking note of the sub's pain tolerance, reaction, and pleasure, trying difference instruments, etc. It does also emphasize the importance of aftercare.
This might just be a semantics issue but I take issue with the phrase
"For this first spanking, give her a safe word to use to stop the spanking when she has had enough/too much."
It seems to imply that the sub should only have a safeword for this spanking and not for future spankings or for other activities that have been mentioned. Even stuff that might seem tamer like the enforced day of silence could be too much for a sub psychologically. I think there should always be a safeword available. In fact, DC and I even have what we call "vanilla safewords" for times when we need to stop what's happening and call attention to an issue that occurs outside of a scene.
"During training the majority of spanking you will do for your sub is punishment spanking. This should be done at any infraction, small or large."
I think I've harped on this already but I'm just going to say that I don't agree with that statement at all.
However, this statement is important:
"NEVER give a disciplinary spanking in anger."
She is right that you need to be in a teaching mindset. I disagree that spanking is always the best mechanism to do it (in fact sometimes I think it would be counterproductive). Aftercare is mentioned again and I think it's good to keep that in mind for discipline, not just for play.
"Punishment spankings are fast, painful and done in a one-way direction (you punish, she takes it)."
This statement and the following sentences seem problematic to me because they suggest that the sub can't safeword during a punishment. I've seen this come up before and I know it's controversial but I firmly believe that a sub can safeword at any time for any reason (mind you, if the Dom thinks they are abusing it they can institute punishments or end the dynamic entirely but that doesn't negate the fact that if a safeword is used, the activity needs to stop).
The maintenance spankings section once again seems to totally miss the mark on brats (along with invalidating those dynamics, which I'm not ok with even if that's not personally for me). That said, I do feel that maintenance spankings can be very useful and it even offers a suggestion for supervised auto-masochism which was a pleasant surprise.
There is finally some lip service paid to the fact that spankings might in fact not be the best punishment. Once again I wholeheartedly agree with the bolded text:
"NEVER withdraw your affection or attention as a form of punishment."
I can't emphasize that enough. That can be absolutely devastating. I know I would not deal well with that. I've heard from other subs who have gone through that and honestly I just see it as emotional abuse.
Can it be done? Sure. With the right people involved, the right mindset, having it carefully prenegotiated ahead of time, etc., it can work and if it works for you I won’t knock it. However, if you’re at the level where you can make that work effectively without doing damage to your relationship, you probably don’t need a beginner’s book. While I’m usually not a fan of statements like “always” or “never”, I don’t judge the author too harshly for using it in this specific instance.
There is some good talk of the benefits of creative punishments but I feel like more attention could have been given to how to get inside the sub's head to find those more appropriate punishments by giving more examples. I do appreciate the overall brevity of the book but this is a topic that I think needs more attention than it got, probably due to the odd focus of this on spanking as the primary punishment.
Sexual Submission
The opening makes some good points about how sex is not the purpose of a D/s relationship. However, it then seems to ignore its own statement as it launches into all the things that a sub "should do" for her Dom (never mind that not all BDSM dynamics are sexual). It even says how if anal is hard limit, the Dom should revisit that later. Which...maybe. I won't say limits should never be revisited, but tread lightly here as it’s really easy for that to turn into a consent violation. Just that like other parts of the book, the tone here seems insistent and doesn't seem to respect that idea that some of these things just don't fit all dynamics.
"It is entirely inappropriate for a submissive woman to stimulate or touch herself in any way without your permission."
Er...what? Again, that's a rule you and your partner CAN decide to implement but to say that it's entirely inappropriate for all subs in all relationships? Really?
Then on chastity
"She can still serve you sexually through oral or anal service, she just won't be getting any release of her own."
Gender roles aside, does the author realize that even some cis women do orgasm through means other than vaginal play?
This felt like the weakest chapter in the book, possibly because in addition to the "This is the Way" tone, it was extremely heteronormative. As a male sub with a female Dom, I don't get much from reading this section. Yes I realize that many activities could be replicated with a dildo but there's more to it than that.
Attitude Submission
The first page almost made me laugh. It felt very much like "subs are women and women need to do woman things so get in the kitchen and make me a sammich!" Like many things in the book, there's nothing really wrong with these ideas, just the presentation of them as "do's" rather than suggestions.
I do notice that she does at times suggest ideas for couples who don't live together, which is a good thing.
There are some good ideas for public practices but again take them as ideas and not hard rules. One thing I chuckled at was
"Prepare her to accept the fact that you will be ordering all of her food and drinks."
Not only would that not go well with someone like me (I have some very specific food preferences that make it hard to order for me), that’s not true of all dynamics. I know Domina Chase would prefer the opposite. We want to get to the point where I can always look at a menu and know what she would like.
Comment from Domina Chase: Yeah, I’ve been kink shamed before when I would describe that my sub would order for me. My attitude is based on “I have bigger fish to fry” than look at a menu. 😎 And if they do a good job it means they’ve been really attentive to what I like. You cannot only punish subs but you should also give them ways to shine.
Personally, I see ordering food for Domina Chase as an act of service. It’s weird to think that people see me (the sub) doing something for her (the Dom) as being somehow wrong.
"Your sub will be genteel, soft spoken, polite and happy."
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Ok I just need to accept that this book was not written for me.
On society:
"Women are encouraged to be equal or greater than men."
Really? Have you looked at our society? I guess “encouraged” is true in a very general sense but rarely does it actually get put into practice.
"A large part of the day is built on feeding people's "self-esteem" and they need constant attention to continue with what they are doing"
Um...ok...
"You will find younger subs who grew up in the "everyone is special" generation have an increased sense of entitlement."
Ok boomer.
But once it gets into the actual meat of humiliation it seems all right. Like she says, it's very important to ensure the sub knows what is happening and why so that they don't feel hurt or unloved. Of course, I would add that the sub should know what is happening and why so that you can ensure you have their consent for it.
One thing I would add to the bit about posting videos is that this is a really really big deal. The author doesn't seem to acknowledge how risky that can be. I would be very careful about this and if you do, consider filming it in a way where the sub can't be identified (which means hiding not just their face but also any distinctive marks). Remember that once something goes out on the internet, it's there forever and you no longer have any control over it.
I realize that is very much part of the thrill for some people but keep in mind that this can have real world consequences. Not all subs are going to just stay at home and clean the house. What happens when their employer sees it? What happens when their kids get teased at school because their classmates found it?
Most of the other stuff is fine, though. I like that she does mention limiting objectification and then having a "listening conference" (DC and I would call that a debrief or after action report).
Advanced Techniques
I think the first page makes a lot of very good points. One thing I found interesting though:
"Subs have a very hard time saying "no" or registering objections to their Doms. During training that is even truer because she is in a position where she is supposed to accept everything you say/do as law. So, it is not fair or really even informed consent if you ask her to commit to a tattoo or brand while she is in training. She doesn't know how to say no, and ends up with a yes she was coerced into."
All of that is very true. However, I think the book fails to capture the fact that it's true of things other than tattoos or brands too, which is why I'm not a fan of the "obey without question" tone that is found throughout the text. Even as DC's slave, obeying without question would not be productive. More like "question everything, offer information as necessary, obey once a final decision has been made". Otherwise being in an LDR, we would have had some rough times as DC isn't psychic (which may come as a shock to those who have interacted with her in person but I assure you it is true). Sometimes filling in missing details will drastically change her decisions. She does not want a “shut up and color” style of relationship.
Closing Ceremony and Conclusion: No issues with these sections. They're short and concise but I feel they are also accurate.
Final Thoughts
The book is short and to the point, which overall is a good thing. It's hard to read a thousand pages of "do this to your sub, do that to your sub". As someone who has had to present complex material to people who had an attention span of about two minutes, I can appreciate the brevity.
There are a few areas that could have been fleshed out a little better but I understand there are additional books (which I haven't read yet) and as a beginner's book, that's not a huge problem.
As I've made clear repeatedly, I just generally didn't care for the tone of the book. It's great when it's taken as suggestions for things you might want to do. It's not good when it's taken as "this is how it's done, period."
And again, it's extremely cishet patriarchal. That's fine if you're in a male-led cishet relationship but that hardly describes all D/s relationships. Some simple changes would have made it feel a lot more inclusive to a larger audience. TBH, it wouldn't have really changed a lot of the specific information but when you're speaking to an audience, knowing your audience and setting the right tone counts for a lot.
It's not a terrible intro to D/s. It's probably not the best one either. My recommendation: There are some good nuggets of information that might make it worth a read if you’re new, floundering, and in need of some guidance/ideas, but take it all with a grain of salt. Ultimately, your relationship is your own and you need to decide how it will work, not someone else.
What did you think of this review? Do you disagree on any points? We’d love to hear from you in the comments below or in our Facebook group Humanistic BDSM: Inclusive AF Kink!
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