A Treatise on How to be a Sub (or How to Not be a Doormat)
Here’s another topic I see brought up a lot in various online discussions. What makes someone a “true” sub? What makes someone a good sub?
The other side of the coin is when people find themselves wondering if they are actually submissive. How can you be submissive if you have a naturally dominant or “A-type” personality? How can you be submissive if you have a problem with authority? Are you being a bad submissive if you question your D-type? Should you use your safe word? How do you speak up if you aren’t getting what you need from your relationship?
First of all, let’s squash this “true sub” bullshit right now. It’s gatekeeping and it’s toxic to the community. In fact, I’ll go further and say it’s outright abusive because it’s usually a means to pressure subs into doing something that they would not otherwise consent to. Fuck that. The only thing you need in order to be a “true sub” is a willingness to submit.
Ok, so you want to submit. Congratulation, you are now a “true sub”. But are you a good sub? What does submission look like?
The answer to that is entirely up to you and your partner(s). There is no “one true way” to submit. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. The only criteria for being a “good sub” is whatever your D-type considers to be a “good sub”. I’ll give you a handful of generic examples to show how variable this can be but keep in mind these are not all-inclusive:
Submissive: You follow your D-type’s commands within reason and your limits.
Brat: You are playful and like to provoke your D-type with deliberate acts of disobedience but you do so knowing they’re going to bring you back in line.
SAM (smart ass masochist): Ok I don’t really like this term because it’s rooted in conflation between a masochist and a submissive when in fact they are two entirely different things, but it is what it is. You are witty and sarcastic but unlike a brat you aren’t necessarily outright disobedient or disrespectful.
Slave: You are the property of your D-type (not literally, I’ll go into this in more detail in a future post). Obedience isn’t a choice; it’s in your very nature.
D/s Switch: Sometimes you feel like a sub…and sometimes you don’t. Or you might submit to one partner but not to another. You’re like Burger King, you’ll have it your way.
Big / Little: A sub that behaves as if they were a small child. Similarly, a Middle behaves as a slightly older (usually pre-teen) child. The “Big” takes on a parental nurturing role.
Vying for Power: When you get two switches together, instead of a standard D/s model you sometimes end up with two individuals both vying for power. Sometimes one comes out on top, sometimes it’s the other. This might be a physical contest (such a using wrestling to settle the outcome) or it could be a battle of wits, it doesn’t matter: the point is that it’s always a contest.
Topping From the Bottom: Ok I said there is no one true way to submit and that is true. However, while there isn’t a right way, there IS a WRONG way. A sub who tops from the bottom says they’ll submit but in reality tries to direct every aspect of the scene. A person like this is really a Dominant bottom. That’s fine, just be up front about this. The difference between this and being a brat is that a brat should be up front about being a brat and the brat expects to be tamed. Topping from the bottom is not the same as setting limits and expectations. That’s just basic consent. This refers solely to someone who wants to be in control and direct the D-type. A power exchange is the essence of a D/s relationship. You literally can’t be a sub if you’re not willing to give up any power.
Poly: Your dynamic might include more than two partners. One s-type may end up being an Alpha Sub. There might be two or more Co-Doms. Maybe you’re part of a BDSM House or Primal Pack.
Dollification: You are a living doll and your D-type is your owner.
Gorean: A model of slavery based on the Gor series of sci-fi novels.
High Protocol: There’s no universal definition but it tends to mean a set of very strict protocols where s-types show extreme deference to their D-types.
Now let’s examine a few other variables:
Protocols: Every dynamic might have its own standards of behavior. Each D-type has their own preferred honorifics and some don’t care for titles at all. Some might require their s-types to learn different positions that they must assume on command.
To Sex or Not to Sex: Some dynamics include sex. Some are exclusively sexual (there is nothing wrong with using BDSM to spice up the bedroom instead of living it as a lifestyle). Some dynamics are purely non-sexual.
Rituals: A set of actions that are repeated regularly. In a BDSM context, rituals can reinforce D/s roles, strengthen a relationship, and provide a sense of structure. A dynamic might have their own unique rituals, it might share rituals with other dynamics within the same BDSM tradition or house, or it might have no rituals at all.
Rewards, Punishments, Limits, and Safewords: These are all things that vary wildly from person to person.
Hopefully you are getting the idea that every dynamic is different. As long as you and your partner(s) are comfortable however your dynamic is structured, that’s all that matters.
Next up, what if you don’t have a D-type partner? If you have a desire to submit to someone, you’re still a sub. Don’t let imposter syndrome get to you. You are not less of a sub (or Dom for that matter) just because you don’t have a current partner. That’s like saying you’re not <insert appropriate sexual orientation> if you don’t have a current sex partner. Don’t feel pressured to find a partner just to have someone to submit to.
So long as everyone consents and no harm is done, you’re good to go
Now here’s the big one: how far does your submission go (or how far should it go)? The answer should be both the same and different for everyone.
In the most simplistic terms: so long as everyone consents and no harm is done, you’re good to go.
Note: by “harm” I mean actual harm, as in injury, death, psychological damage, criminal charges, etc. Pain /= harm, otherwise going to the gym would be self-mutilation. If you are ok with being whipped until you are bloody, knock yourself out.
But I say this is also different from everyone because people do not have the same limits. One sub might try to offer up strips of skin (*waves at DC*) and another sub might not even want to be spanked. Both are equally valid. Neither one is a “better” sub. What determines how good of a sub your are or how far your submission should go is a conversation between you and your D-type partner. If the two of you are happy, reasonably safe, and what you are doing is ethical, then that’s all that matters.
Another thing is that regardless of what your dynamic looks like, you need to figure out what submission means for you personally. Yes your D-type gets a say (a rather big one) in your dynamic but internally, what does your submission look like? What makes you feel your most fully self-actuated as a submissive? That’s important to figure out because if you don’t know what makes you feel at your peak, then how can you bring that to a relationship or find the right partner to bring it out in you?
But perhaps most importantly (and I even put a divider above to emphasize this section), do not think that being submissive means you should be a doormat, not even for your Dom. Always remember that you maintain the basic rights to have limits, a safeword, to negotiate for the relationship you want, etc. Consent is the primary differentiating factor between BDSM and abuse. When you negotiate, you and your D-type need to negotiate as equals. When you argue, well I’ll do a full article on that topic later, but I recommend that you set the dynamic aside and argue as equals.
If you feel your needs aren’t being met, you need to speak up. If you feel a punishment is unfair, don’t be afraid to say so. If an order is unreasonable—I’m about to speak some heresy here so brace yourself accordingly—QUESTION IT! I know, I must be a terrible person; I just told you to question your Dom (even if you’re a slave). OMG, this is madness! Or…this is SUBMISSION! Ok, that doesn’t have quite the same ring as “Sparta” and hopefully you don’t kick your D-type into a pit when you disagree with them. That tends to put a damper on the relationship.
Doms aren’t perfect. Well except for my Owner because she’s awesome. She just sometimes pretends to make mistakes to see if I will catch them. I humor her and point them out so she knows I’m paying attention.
In all seriousness, you’re not a bad person, a bad partner, or a bad sub for pointing out mistakes or problems. Often the issue is as simple as one of you not having all of the information. Your Dom might have given you an order that they don’t realize conflicts with some other obligation. You might have misunderstood what your Dom wanted. If you don’t speak up, these issues don’t get resolved, they eventually cause problems, and then both of you are unhappy. That’s why speaking up and questioning things that don’t make sense or don’t work for you is actually part of being a good submissive.
Being a sub or even a slave doesn’t mean you have to be passive. In fact, I would argue that you shouldn’t be passive. Always be proactive in life and in your relationship. Most Doms don’t want to micromanage you. Think of a soldier in the US Army. The commander gives guidance, intent, and objectives, but then lower-level leaders and the troops on the ground figure out how to best achieve those goals under the circumstances. They provide the direction, you find the way.
Finally, the only defining feature of a submissive is that they submit to their Dom. It doesn’t mean you must be submissive to anyone else, not even to other D-types. I’m not saying you should be rude to them (unless they have it coming) but you don’t owe your submission to anyone. Some people have naturally submissive personalities and that’s ok. It’s also ok to be dominant and assertive in all other aspects of life. You can be a leader at work. You can be a disciplinarian to your children. You can be the center of your social circles. In fact, many subs enjoy their submission because it’s a welcome break from the pressures and responsibilities they face elsewhere.
I doubt that most people who know me in vanilla life would describe me as submissive. My submission is a gift. Only someone who is worthy of it can receive it. Anyone else who wants to make demands of me can fuck right off. I’m Domina Chase’s Pet, not theirs.
What is your style of submission? How does your “submissive personality” match up with your vanilla persona? Share your thoughts in the comments or join our Facebook group Humanistic BDSM: Inclusive AF Kink.
Photo Credit: (C) istolethetv https://www.flickr.com/photos/istolethetv/19062456802 (CC-BY-2)
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