What Does it Mean to be a BDSM Slave?
What is a BDSM slave? What is the difference between a slave and a sub? Unlike some questions that are common to newcomers, this is one that often stumps experienced kinksters as well. As amazing as Domina Chase is and how much more experienced she is than myself, it still took us a little while to realize that we had already entered into a Master/slave dynamic.
TLDR: A sub chooses to submit to each task or directive. A slave chooses to submit once and each act of submission thereafter comes naturally. A slave can technically say no, but has a mindset to where “no” isn’t really a viable option (barring abuse, violating hard limits, etc).
You can find a basic definition in the HuBDSM Glossary. However, I’d like to examine some other common definitions, how they differ from ours, and why ours is much more betterer (no that’s not a typo, I said what I said). Here are some other definitions I’ve seen used (or ones very similar to these, I won’t cover every minor permutation):
A sub in a 24/7 TPE
A sub who has forfeited all rights and decision-making to their master. The slave gets no limits, no safeword, owns no property, and has no rights at all. Everything is at the discretion of their master.
A sub who is collared with the intent of making their D/s dynamic a permanent arrangement (basically, one half of a kinky marriage).
A sub who is completely subservient to their partner, who must be available for sex on demand, must ask permission to do anything, and who has given complete control over their life to their partner.
Ok, there’s a little bit of cringe in those statements. Let’s unpack these piece by piece
Ok this one isn’t too bad. There’s nothing really wrong with being in a 24/7 TPE. However, I would argue that it is possible to be in a 24/7 TPE and not be a slave. You could be in a 24/7 dynamic. You could have given your Dom control over all aspects of your life. But despite that you might not have the mindset I’m going to talk about. That’s ok, this isn’t a shameful thing. All ethical relationships are worthy and valid. I do even think that staying in a 24/7 TPE long enough is likely to cause a D/s relationship to evolve into M/s. I just don’t think that this simple definition truly encompasses what it is to be a slave.
Ok not just no but fuck no. I take a very strong stance on safewords (or some equivalent means to stop play even if it’s plain English). If you don’t have a safeword, you don’t have consent. Yes you read that right. This is an ethical, legal, and safety concern. Consent is an ongoing state. It can be revoked at any time. If you can’t revoke it, then there isn’t meaningful consent. People have gone to jail over this. Not to mention everyone retains basic rights. If nothing else, a slave can terminate the relationship at any time. Definitions like this make BDSM sound like chattel slavery.
I’ve seen this definition used (obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t have listed it here) but it doesn’t seem to be very common. Honestly, I think for most people the act of collaring a sub signifies long-term intent. I don’t really see anything ethically wrong with this definition, I just think there’s more to being a slave than that. To flip that around, I also don’t see anything wrong with collaring someone who is not a slave.
Don’t get me wrong, you could certainly negotiate your dynamic to be this way (and if so, hey you do you, there’s no kink shaming here). However, it should not be assumed that this is what a M/s dynamic means. Some people don’t even like their BDSM to be sexual and that’s their choice. Personally, I think asking for permission for everything you do is just ridiculous and it excludes long-distance situations where that’s just not practical. I know Domina Chase would get really fucking annoyed if I constantly asked her things like “Owner, may I please wipe my ass now?”
Let’s also discuss some common myths about being a BDSM slave:
Rules are stricter in Master/slave relationships than Dom/sub arrangements: Not necessarily. The rules are set by the individuals in the relationship (well mostly by the D-type obviously but hopefully with input from the s-type). They are often more authoritarian in nature but they don’t have to be stricter in terms of the number of rules or the severity of the individual rules.
You Become the Property of Your Master: Some people really like this aspect of BDSM slavery and that’s fine. Just keep in mind that this element amounts to roleplay. Your partner might treat you like property and you might accept it but you’re not really property. You retain all the rights of a person. You can leave at any time, your partner can’t sell you (well unless that’s what you guys agreed on), etc.
You Need a Contract: Nope. A contract is helpful for some people to have but a contract is just a formal written result of a negotiation. Many people are fine with just a verbal negotiation and nothing more.
M/s Relationships are Less Loving: No. Like most things, how loving or affectionate a relationship is will be heavily dependent on you and your partner. I daresay that if you suggested to most Masters that they didn’t love their slaves, you’d either be laughed out of the room or punched in the face. Or maybe worse if you tried to say that to Domina Chase.
The Relationship Becomes Your Life: If you become a slave, it should be because the relationship is already a focal point in your life, not the other way around. That doesn’t make it the only priority, though. You might have children, work, and other priorities within your life. That’s ok. Also, this doesn’t mean you can’t have other pursuits. You can still have hobbies. If you’re polyamorous you can still have other relationships. Basically, you can do anything that is within the negotiated rules of your relationship (just like any other relationship).
Now there’s one other thing I want to get out of the way. You and your partner can use whatever titles you want. Even if you are not what most of the BDSM community considers a slave, even if you don’t match the HuBDSM glossary definition of a slave, you can still call yourself a slave and your D-type can call you a slave.
Likewise, you can be a slave and go by some other title entirely and your D-type can have some honorific other than “Master/Mistress”. Your role is not strictly tied to your title.
Ok, now we can return to our regularly scheduled program:
Being a slave, much like being a sub, is defined by one simple thing: your mindset.
Ok, we’ve discussed what a slave isn’t. Let’s get to what a slave is, or more specifically what a slave is through the lense of the HuBDSM philosophy (because I don’t want to invalidate other ethical concepts of a BDSM slave).
Being a slave, much like being a sub, is defined by one simple thing: your mindset. I said in my article What is it Like to be a Submissive that just by wanting to be a sub, you are one. Being a slave is slightly more in depth but honestly not by much. It’s still a state of mind, as simple as a desire. It’s just that this desire has some big ramifications:
A sub might choose to submit with every order or perhaps at the start of every scene. (Note, the latter used to describe me. Once I was in a submissive headspace, that was it but after that scene was over I could snap right out of it.)
A slave chooses to submit once when they become a slave. After that, each act of submission simply comes naturally.
A slave belongs to their partner. Not because they are property but because they have chosen to surrender themselves: body, mind, and soul.
M/s relationships are often characterized by use of rituals, though it is not a strict requirement.
“No” is generally not part of a slave’s vocabulary. This often treads close to CNC (consensual non-consent) territory even for those relationships that aren’t explicitly CNC.
Uh oh. What’s up with that last one? Didn’t I just rant on and on about consent and safewords? What kind of arrogant hypocritical asshole writes this shit? Well, obviously I do.
Let me explain. The difference between my view and some of the other ones is why a slave doesn’t say “no”. In some other models, the slave is property. The slave is not allowed to say “no”. If the slave were to say “no” their partner could ignore it. That’s not ok. That’s not consent. That also doesn’t allow for extenuating circumstances.
In the HuBDSM model, the slave is allowed to say “no”. However, it’s undesirable and doing so may very well break the slave mindset. It will have repercussions for the relationship that the slave and their partner will have to work through if they want to reestablish that slave mentality. What exactly that means will be up to the individuals involved. Though of course it should be said this applies when refusing an order as an act of defiance, not to stop play because the slave has reached their limits (yes, slaves can have those too), not when there’s an extenuating circumstance that the slave is trying to explain, etc. Because of this, while a slave in this model is allowed to say “no”, they will try their best to avoid doing so.
Maybe that sounds like semantics. Maybe it is just semantics. I think this is actually how most M/s relationships function in practice regardless of how they are often defined. I think most slaves would push back if they were pushed too hard. That’s just human nature. The problem is that I don’t think this is how these relationships are normally explained, which can be scary, confusing, or outright dangerous to newcomers who haven’t figured this stuff out for themselves. So I’ve tried to strip away all the roleplay, rules/protocol (which can vary from one dynamic to the next), and present to you the very basics of what it is to be a slave, and in my opinion, it’s the mindset. Everything else is window dressing.
You might be thinking at this point: Petrick, these really aren’t rules. You might say they’re more like guidelines. You’re basically saying if you decide you’re a slave, then you’re a slave.
Well yes, that is pretty much what I’m saying, or close enough, at least. I said the same thing about being a sub. I’m telling you what the mindset feels like and giving you a general idea of how to implement that mindset into a dynamic within the HuBDSM philosophy. However, I’m not a mind reader. I can’t peer into your brain and decide if you are a “true slave” or not, nor would I really care to do so even if I could. I am not the gatekeeper of HuBDSM slave status. I’m merely providing guidance for people who are trying to figure out where they fit in.
I’m not the final arbiter of whether or not you’re a slave: you are (actually you and your D-type because that’s kind of how both D/s and M/s dynamics work). Sometimes when I’m being too self-critical Domina Chase has to remind me that she gets to determine how good of a slave I am, not me.
Now let’s get back to the mentality of a slave. I mentioned limits, safewords, and I mentioned that a slave shouldn’t say “no” (without extenuating circumstances) because it can break them out of that mindset and basically it could harm the relationship. How do you reconcile those?
Using a safeword isn’t the same as refusing an order. It means you need a check-in, you need to pause, or you need to stop. You could be hitting your pain threshold. You could be burned out and have hit your emotional/psychological threshold. You might just need an adjustment of a strap that is cutting off circulation. The point here is that using a safeword is not the same as refusing an order. USING A SAFEWORD DOES NOT MAKE YOU LESS OF A SLAVE.
Obviously, this does not include safeword abuse. There is often discussion of abusive D-types but they aren’t the only ones capable of being manipulative. If your D-type thinks you are abusing the safeword, they are well within your rights to punish you appropriately or end the relationship entirely. When a safeword is used, there should be a discussion afterwards about why it was used.
Domina Chase likes to say that you can’t keep playing with your toys if you don’t take care of them. She wants me to use a safeword if something is wrong so that we can correct whatever is going on. Having a safeword makes me a better slave because taking care of myself is also a way to take care of her, and that’s part of the job.
Limits might seem like saying “no” in advance. How can you have this mentality of intense submission and have limits? Look everyone has limits. Will you let your partner cut your arm off? Pull your teeth out? Take naked pictures of you and send them to your family and coworkers? I would hope not.
Yes those examples are extreme and unethical even with consent. I don’t want to play 20 questions here so I’m deliberately going with absurd examples to show that yes you do have limits. I could go with something milder but invariably there will be someone out there that gets excited if I use the example of your partner shitting in your mouth and making you eat it while inserting a catheter into your urethra as a crowd watches and records the entire event. NMK and I’m not going to judge but I don’t want to have a whole page of examples just to make my point, either.
Furthermore, let’s get back to the part about how refusal can damage an M/s relationship. This is a two-way street. The slave doesn’t want to refuse. It can be hurtful to them and their relationship. It could break them out of that slave role entirely. But the D-type partner also has a responsibility to not push their slave to the point of refusal. Doing so usually means you have pushed them past their limits. Communicating those limits to your partner tells them where they need to be more delicate so they don’t push you to that point and break you out of that slave role. By that logic, clearly stating your limits (rather than leaving it to your partner to guess where they are) helps you to be a better slave.
Am I Ready to be a Slave?
After reading this, you might think that you want to be a slave but you’re not sure that you’re there yet. That’s ok. This is not something that should be rushed. It takes time, a strong relationship with your D-type, and a whole lot of trust. This is not something to enter into with someone you just met.
This is one of those things that you’ll know when you feel it. It might be scary or maybe not. I was more scared at the fact that I wasn’t scared but I really felt like I SHOULD be scared. The real point is that I knew I was hers (I just didn’t know what it meant within the context of BDSM labels).
Also, keep in mind that I’m presenting BDSM slavery through the lense of HuBDSM but this is not the only BDSM philosophy out there (though it is the best!). Different traditions and different people may not interpret the term the same way. If you meet someone who is a master or a slave, you should find out exactly what that means to them, and if you’re going to play or enter into a relationship with them, find out what those expectations mean for you. Like D/s relationships, every M/s dynamic is different and is ultimately at the discretion of the individuals involved.
Finally, I just want to mention that while being a slave is considered a deeper form of submission, it’s not better or worse. There is nothing wrong with being a sub and never becoming a slave. If being a slave doesn’t suit you, don’t try to force it. HuBDSM is about finding your peak kinky self, whatever that might be.
I’m sure some of you will find this article to be controversial and that’s ok. Join in the discussion and share your opinions. What are your thoughts on BDSM slaves? If you’re a slave, what does being a slave mean to you? Tell us in the comments or drop by our Facebook group Humanistic BDSM.
Photo Credit: © Raimond Spekking / CC BY-SA 3.0 (via Wikimedia Commons)
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