“The sub has all the power.”

It’s a refrain I’ve heard quite frequently in BDSM circles. But does the sub actually have all the power or even most of the power?

The following are generally cited to support that statement:

The sub gets to choose what type of play to participate in by setting limits.
The sub gets to stop play at any time by using the safeword or safety signal.
The sub gets to choose who they will play with.
The sub can leave a D/s dynamic at any time.

I certainly don’t dispute the truth of any of those points and I do understand the reason to instill those ideas in s-type players. Anyone who knows me is probably familiar with my views on consent, to include limits and safewords (I’ll write a detailed article about those but the short version is if you think you don’t need a safeword, you aren’t playing hard enough). What I dispute is the claim that those points give power to the sub. That’s not power, that’s recognizing BASIC RIGHTS.

Because they are basic rights, they apply to the Dom as well (not to mention tops, bottoms, sadists, masochists, any and all BDSM players). Doms have limits. Doms aren’t forced to play with anyone or stay in a relationship. Doms can even use safewords (yes I know people assume those are only for subs, we’ll talk more about that another time). Even though the intent of this saying might be to ensure the sub is not being taken advantage of, let’s not lose sight of the fact that these rights apply to everyone. Let’s also not conflate rights with power.

I’ve also heard that:

The Dom actually serves the sub because the Dom crafts a scene that fits the subs needs and desires.
The Dom is providing the pleasure and the sub is receiving the pleasure.

On the first point, the Dom is also crafting the scene to meet their own needs and desires. So both parties are having their needs met but one of them is actually designing and controlling the scene. That kind of sounds like power to me. Is it work? Sure but it’s work that they’re doing because they have power. I believe there is a relevant quote about that:

Something something great power and great responsibility.

The second bullet is just conflation. Dom /= top. Sub /= bottom. You can be a Dominant bottom and a submissive top. Does anyone seriously believe that subs never provide pleasure to their Doms? Besides, does the Dom (whether they are topping or otherwise) not enjoy what they do? If you don’t enjoy being a Dom, then WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU A DOM?

I have the POWER!

**Actually…we both do but the Dom has more.**

The foundation of any D/s dynamic is a power exchange. It need not be a total power exchange (TPE) and in fact I would argue that the name is a misnomer as you can’t ethically have a “total” power exchange (since a literal interpretation of that would strip the sub of rights necessary to ensure consent), just greater or lesser degrees of power exchange. However, regardless of what degree you take that power exchange to, it is the defining feature of D/s. You literally cannot be an s-type in a D/s dynamic without giving up some degree of power, which means that in any objective sense, the D-type does in fact have more power.

Now this doesn’t mean that the s-type is powerless. Like I said, there are basic rights that are accorded to all players. Even if you’re in a 24/7 TPE you still have some power. If nothing else, you can stop play and leave the relationship altogether. The only way for someone to have no power at all would be to no longer have consent. At that point, it’s no longer BDSM and it crosses the line into abuse.

By all means, explain to s-type players (especially new ones) that they aren’t powerless. Make sure they understand that they do have basic rights that should NEVER be stripped away in any sort of ethical D/s relationship. But can we please not say dumb and objectively false things like “the sub has all the power”? There are better ways to empower subs and protect them from abuse than by giving them bad and confusing catchphrases.

Basically, EVERYONE in BDSM has power, but the Dom has more.

What are your thoughts on power within D/s dynamics? Have you heard this BDSM myth before? Tell us your opinion in the comments or join the Facebook group Humanistic BDSM: Inclusive AF Kink!

Photo Credit: (C) Brian Garrett https://www.flickr.com/photos/28122162@N04/4965165739 (CC BY-ND 2.0)

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